Been a while….

Blogging obviously has not been too high on my priority list lately.  To be honest, I have been trying to keep my head above water.  Many HAPPY and great things are a part of my life but balancing the mundane and the things of most importance (family) has got me in quite a doozy of a state.  When I put off work (both home and work) I pay for it.  But when I put aside things that ultimately bring me joy, I experience enormous guilt.

Balance.

I lack it.

Many have advised me to let some things go.  If only you knew how many things I say NO to simply because I have a job.  I am committed to my job and I have no regrets about giving my employer AND my students 100%.  As a mother of three and a wife to Mr. Knight, the missionary, I find it quite daunting to give 100% to both callings.  How can I be called to both yet feel so inadequate to be a woman of excellence in my callings?!?!  Depending on my Lord is obviously the spiritual answer I get from most people but adding “one more to do”  just about puts me in a state of panic.

And then…the guilt of my relationship with God being a “to do” sinks in.

I can’t win.

I find myself grieving over not finding joy in the little things.  I miss the days of surprising the husband and kids with fun little events at night time.  I miss making a big deal over birthdays.  Now birthdays stress me out.  Isn’t that absolutely AWFUL!?!?!?

To top these feelings (and yes, Mr. Knight said the “feelings” part is where my struggle begins b/c I seem to go by those….not God), I heard Mr. Knight say that 5 weeks from yesterday marks his departure date for the summer.  That means 8 weeks until I bring my life here in suburbia to a screeching halt and switch over to being cook to Americans in Zambia.  Our life there for the summer is so different yet rewarding.  But it is a MASSIVE change.

There.

I vented.

That is where I currently am.

Not an ugly place but definitely a struggle.

I know HE knows my EVERY longing.  He knows my EVERY need.  And truly, I must make HIM everything.

And that, my friend, is the rub.

 

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